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Since we were both raised working class, my partner and I try not to let it impact our relationship but it definitely does. I now make a lot more than my partner. I pay 2/3 of our bills. We think this is working well but it comes out when we are stressed. Her self esteem at not being able to contribute as much suffers a lot. And I become frustrated because, even though I make more than enough, I still struggle month to month to make ends meet. The self esteem problem and the frustration are ugly when we argue. We are going to couples counseling to try to figure out a better way. But class even comes into couples counseling. Neither of our insurance plans covers this kind of counseling so we have a limited amount of times we can go. So, it seems to be impacting my relationship much more than I want it to. We often talk about how much easier it was when we did not have anything.
They don't…
I never really thought much about it until I had to research a paper on the subject. Boy, was that a eye opener. I have thought of our society at a classless one in the general sense. But class is everywhere and there is no way to avoid it. I have first hand worked with low income and working class citizens. I know that it is not easy for them. I also see how many relay on the Gov. to supply their needs without to work their way out of their situations. Some people truly need the help, while other truly need to work. I do not have any solutions. The problem is obvious to see, the solution eludes us.
I grew up in a higher middle class family, while my fiancé’s family barely stood above the poverty line. It has made a tremendous impact on our relationship. While I may want to buy new clothes, he needs money for gas and food. While I may want to go out to dinner, he suggests cooking at home. From how we spend our money to the types of entertainment we experience, our relationship endures the pleasures and pains of both classes. Our parents have yet to meet because of his parent's lack of free time and my parent's inability to meet over something other than dinner at a restaurant. It has definitely been challenging so far, but as we continue to learn about and understand each other's background, we are able to work through our differences.
I am not in a relationship now but in the past i have had more money that my partners so i have had more choice, options for giving, buying, personal growth, traveling, and on. It's like a microcosm of the larger world except its right in your face. So how much to share? How to pay for things fairly and proportionately? How shall we deal with really different ideas about how money is spent? Best thing that has worked is just plain talk talk talk listen listen listen and then act based on all of that, then do it again. Same as the other parts of the relationship. Because its not just about money, its about class; what to wear when, manners at my or my partner's family dinner table. being in a cross-class relationship is like going to or being in another culture, There is so much to learn about them and about myself.
I find that I don't like to date blue collar men, even though I grew up blue collar. It is probably because it reminds me too much of where I came from. I found it limiting, especially as a woman, and I know I am jaded, but blue collar men always seem to be mean and not in touch with their feelings. I need to talk about my feelings. :)
It presents major issues to work through. My wife makes about $150,000. I make below a third of this. But then, she has bought into individualism and materialism "lock, stock and barrel." I have an abhorrent affinity for the poor and the marginalized. She is for administration. I am for the worker. She is a penny pincher. Money is NOT the most important thing in my life. Etc. Etc. I have said enough?
Although my lifes' work has been dedicated to eradicating racism, sexism, classism, ableism, and homophobia, I find I have to constantly and consciously confront my disappointment and judgments, based on my black middle-class background, in my work organizing young women and men of color, to move beyond the limitations imposed by too-early parenthood, lack of education or skills, and the assumption that a "rapper" or other celebrity will 'pick them.' While I want to provide them with a different, personal vision of what is possible, I realize that my sense of what is possible and theirs are worlds' apart, and both are the result of upbringing, circumstances, and realities.
Unable to plan to create and provide for a family in relative comfort and security. I may feel insecure or inadequate by the fact that my mate/partner has greater earnings than I do ... He or She who earns the most makes the rules, is the decisionmaker. I cannot provide the material goods I desire for my mate.
Some people assume I can afford to do the same things they can, then I try to manage it but end up broke as a result of walking in their world.
It depends on who notices a difference and whether they ascribe it to class. Do they see it as another being better than they or not worthy of their company? I think that if I recognize what I am given and accept the responsibility associated with that, the difference is fulfillment for me.
When my spoken and nonverbal communication attempts seem to be miffed, discounting emotional influences, I know I'm against some kind of class-based wall.
Let me count the ways. In terms of what our expectations are, our visions of what is possible, the styles in which we communicate, our needs for security and many more.
My ex-girlfriend and I participated in a workshop where we all started out
at the same place and had to take steps forward for familial privileges--like owning a home, parents' education, grandparents' education--and steps backward for oppressions--like having been homeless, incarcerated, etc. They were all related to race and class. By the end of the questions she was at the very front and I was at the very back. She turned around and started to cry. It was like she was realizing for the first time how drastically different our life experiences were and continued to be. While her parents went on vacations to Hawaii and the Florida Keys, my mom lost her job and became homeless again. We had to figure out a way to stay connected and loving through these huge differences.
I recall an incident with a former partner in which she broke a crystal punch cup of my mother's. She was quite upset about it being broken, while I responded "it's only a thing, no one was hurt." We also handled money quite differently. She balanced the checkbook to the penny, while I made ATM withdrawals without much consideration and didn't think too much about a bounced check. I'd always been used to money being available, while she grew up with fewer resources. She understood the need for good credit and was concerned about keeping her credit record clean. At the time, I didn't recognize these as class differences.
My relationships as a whole with others changed after going from being upper-middle class to becoming suddenly poor due to a disability taking me out of the workforce.... Read more...
Read earlier survey responses:
January 2006: What privileges should we all have?
Are there any privileges none of us should have?
December 2005 Survey Question:
How do class issues come up for you during the end-of-year "consumer" holidays?
November 2005 Survey Question: Please tell us about your experiences of class, class differences, and classism in your education/school.
October 2005: Tell us about a time you've either been an ally to someone or had someone be an ally to you around issues of class.
September 2005: What are the ways you see the race and class divisions exposed by Katrina?
August 2005: What class did you grow up in? What was good or bad about your class experience growing up?
July 2005: What are your strongest memories connecting race and class?
June 2005: The New York Times and Wall Street Journal each ran their own series on class. What is your response to the recent press on class?
May 2005: The good, the bad, and the ugly of cross-class relating
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